Coffee lovers, we have one question for you: why waste precious seconds lifting a mug when you could be directly infused with caffeine? Introducing the latest breakthrough in coffee consumption—our Cold Brew IV Drip. That’s right. We’ve eliminated the middleman (your mouth) and streamlined the process so you can enjoy peak caffeination without the hassle of actually drinking.
Why IV Coffee?
Let’s face it—traditional coffee drinking is inefficient. It requires hand-eye coordination, patience, and sometimes, even washing a cup (shudders). With our Cold Brew IV Drip, you get a steady, uninterrupted flow of delicious, small-batch cold brew directly into your bloodstream. No more waiting for your coffee to kick in—it’s already there.
Choose Your Flow Rate
Because every caffeine addict has different needs, we’ve developed three unique settings to customize your experience:
☕ Microdose Mode – Perfect for slow sippers. A gentle trickle of cold brew, just enough to keep you pleasantly alert without feeling like you’ve developed superpowers.
⚡ Work Mode – Need to power through emails, meetings, and that one coworker who won’t stop talking? This setting keeps you at optimal productivity levels with a steady caffeine stream.
🔥 Existential Crisis Mode – This is not for the faint of heart. Recommended only for finals week, extreme deadlines, and those days when you accidentally sign up for a 6 a.m. workout class. This setting delivers the caffeine equivalent of an espresso shot every five minutes (doctor’s note required).
Ethically Sourced & Medically Questionable
We’re proud to say that our Cold Brew IV Drip is made with single-origin beans, roasted with clean hot air, and completely unapproved by any medical professional. But don’t let that stop you. Each IV kit comes with one complimentary existential revelation and a vague sense that you might be vibrating slightly.
Available Now (Maybe)
For a limited time, we’re offering our Cold Brew IV Drip to a select group of test subjects—er, customers. Early adopters will receive a free tote bag that says “Caffeine Is My Blood Type”, because at this point, it basically is.
So why wait? Skip the sip and embrace the drip.
[Shop Now] (Just kidding… or are we?)